Friday, April 24, 2020

my little Friday manifesto and stupid-stinking chronic pain

Today is one of those days.
One of those “I want to give up and shut down” days.
A Friday, when the rest of the world celebrates the coming weekend...
But I have yet to enjoy sound sleep since last Friday.

It’s one of those “everything hurts and nothing helps” days.
When chronic pain is so stupidly-stinking chronic.
When I’ve reached the point that I should not take anymore meds lest I overdose.
When laying down, standing up, sitting, pacing, and swaying are all useless.
There is no physical comfort today.
There is no position, no bath, no patch, no drug, no special sauce that will free me of my painful prison.

The other day, someone asked me how I was holding up through the pandemic.
I shrugged out an answer without really giving one.
Because truthfully most do not understand that isolation is already a regularity in my normal day-to-day.
It is typical for me to miss out...
To zealously guard myself from catching flu bugs and common colds,
Because I simply can’t afford to be burdened with more health issues, more specialists, more pills, more surgeries, more hospitals, more health care... more stupidly-stinking chronic pain.

I am always home, or close to it.
I am intimate with isolation, depression, loss of community, and the feelings of hopelessness.
I know what stir crazy is and the tricks it plays in one's head.
I also understand what catching a virus that further threatens an already weakened immune system can do.

How am I holding up through the pandemic?
I am teary.
Because I wish this isolation on no one.
But since we all must isolate and cope in our own varying forms of uncomfortableness,
Please allow me to share something key on this Friday...

For me, today is definitely one of those days.
One of those hard, discouraging, “Why me, Lord?!!!” days.
And though relief is not visible on the horizon, I do trust God’s love for me.
I have firsthand life experience of His care and provision.
I believe in His grace.
I am thankful to be promised His eternal future.
I know He walks with me through every ache and ouch.
He holds onto my hand as I hold onto His hope.

Yes, today my body really, really hurts...
But I choose to seek out beauty and busy myself within the confines of our blessed homestead.
Today I am very nauseous...
But I will eat healthy and drink plenty of water to keep myself fueled and hydrated.
Today I cannot move without fighting the suck of my stupid-stinking chronic pain...

But I will walk my garden.
I will breathe God’s breath.
I will smell new roses.
I will sing to bees and butterflies.
I will pray in Jesus Name.
I will soak in warm bubble baths.
I will paint pink palm trees.
I will gratefully take medicines that I know others in the world are not privy to receive.
I will be blessed by all the blessings that surround.
I will think about whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admiral, excellent, praiseworthy.

And even though I feel like crap...
I will not give up.
I will not shut down.

I will rest.
I will promote peace.

Today, I will self care and trust that my wobbly feet stand exactly where God intends.
I will reach out and share His good news with others and reject all notions of guilt or shame that I am somehow a failure that is lesser in importance, ability, or validity due to my physical weaknesses.

No... I am able because He is able.
My pace is the pace He has provided.

Today I will remember...
I am saved.
I am a survivor.
I am a child of the King of kings.
I am here, awake, alive, and able to share love.

So in Jesus Name, I will rejoice.
Today, I will successfully make it through with the strength and Spirit of the Lord.

This is my little Friday manifesto with promise.



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